On March 11, 1986, I saw a TV movie that introduced me to real-world cover ups. I Dress Gray is a truly human story. The Screen play by Gore Vidal was based on the book by Lucian K Truscott IV. The murder-mystery starred the ridiculously-attractive Alec Baldwin who was often topless. I watched for the plot.
The plot: A gay cadet is murdered during a hazing ritual. His father, a wealthy judge, helps cover up the crime because, he believes, the truth will damage the family reputation. No one outside can know what men really do when they are alone. Honour is more important than truth, to some. The lesson I learned was different: you cannot fix what you cannot face. Nothing hidden can be healed.
Here’s what I wrote at the time:
Last night I saw the last part to a two-part miniseries called DRESS GRAY. It was about the murder of a homosexual cadet. It was really scary seeing the movie because this cadet was so gorgeous and so much like me. He was the perfect soldier, strict, went by the book literally and got his kicks by converting straight men. [Important context: at the time I wrote this I was a 15 year old virgin. SMH]. He used to get guys drunk, take them to a hotel and then take advantage of them while they were passed out.Anyway, the story really started after he was dead. The military academic cadet sergeant tryed [sp] to cover up his murder by saying that he had “drowned in the river.” However, a few people couldn’t believe this because he was the best swimmer in the academy.So a first class man named Lieutenant Slaight and David Hand’s Sister Elizabeth go about finding Hand’s murderer.He soon finds out about David’s homosexuality and learn(s) from a Hank Beauremont that a year before he entered the academy he had taken a 2nd class man from the academy to a hotel, got him drunk and the(y) soon become lovers.They discovered that this now first class man was the murderer. He was sent to a mental hospital for a year and Sleight and Elizabeth get married.Besides our colour and that David Hand was born to a wealthy and powerful judge in the 1960 New Orleans the two of us could change places and no would be the wiser. [Note in 2026: This is obvious ridiculous, but it’s what I wrote]
Reading this as an adult, I see David was not a role model. He was predator. His father was ashamed his son was killed for abusing others. How do you love a monster? David didn’t “become lovers” with the man he assaulted. He groomed his victim and his victim killed him in response.
David didn’t deserve what happened to him, but he belonged in prison. Because the victim was ashamed of the assault AND speaking of the assault could ruin their whole lives, murder felt like the only option.
We need to create a system in which men feel safe to come forward with their stories, a place where men can heal. That place is the Labyrinth, the facility I have been called to create.
ART IS A PROBLEM SOLVING TOOL
As a young gay child, I felt no one loved me. No one SAW me. So I fantasized I was a super villain: The Dark One. I created an entire world in my head. I used magic to travel to another world where I learned magic. I returned to Earth with an army of shapeshifting reptilians to conquer the world with the help of organized religion. I was the head magician responsible for controlling everyone’s mind.
One of my soldiers fought through my mind control. He showed me the shapeshifting reptilians were actually the bad guys. He helped me see that forcing people to love you is wrong. It’s the opposite of love. At fifteen, something changed in me.
I realize he was right: craving control over others is a sign of a weakness. I saw how my actions were traumatizing others. Even thought I gave them everything they needed, they still despised me for taking away their choice.Real strength is ensuring everyone has equal access to power.
So I used magic to travel back through time and try again. This time I would stop the reptilians from taking over the city.
This was the start of what would become my novel, A Fallen Hero Rises. I started writing the story of the Dark One. I wondered what could I do to save the world from them. In 1991, I submit this story to the Creative Writing Group at the University of Windsor.Making art made me a better person. Maybe art is magic. Maybe I had help.
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