I’m Joseph Murphy. Welcome to Alien Brain Fog, a science-focused podcast on memory, identity and the systems of oppression that affect both. How do you know who you really are?
For our first episode, we’re asking the most important question. How can you tell if you’ve lost your mind?
Is it just me, or does everyone seem a little crazy right now. Everywhere I look, I see the same expression on people’s face. Shock and anger, like no one can believe what’s happening is really happening.
The government announced aliens are real. No one cares. More and more angry young white men are taking out their rage on innocent people. People are looking for the Loch Ness monster again. There were even protests in China last year
Trump talks about shooting his political rivals and it’s just a normal news cycle.
If there’s one thing I’m an expert on, it’s conspiracy theories. I’ve been interested in UFOS since I was child. I have a clear memory of the first time I saw an object in the sky that didn’t make sense. I was five. We lived in Owen Sound at the time. Dad drove us to gramma’s house (my mom’s mom). I looked over the treelines and saw a black shape in the air. I asked my dad what it was. Without looking he said it was a weather balloon. I accepted his answer and decided to investigate weather balloons.
My memory is confused here. I want to say I started researching weather balloons immediately, but that doesn’t make sense. I didn’t start researching UFOS until we moved to Windsor. Tecumseh Mall used to have a library. My mother would drop me and my brother off at the library while she did her grocery shopping. To me, that was heaven. I started near the beginning of the library. UFOS and the paranormal, in my memory, were the first shelves as you walked in. I realize as I’m writing this, I dream of the library often.
I read about UFOS and paranormal encounters from childhood into my teenage years. In my memory, I do not recall ever believing I’d seen UFOS or aliens. I was interested in the subject but had no personal connection to it.
And I kept that belief until I read Communion by Whitley Streiber.
I loved Whitley Streiber. For me, he was up there with the greats. Steven King, Dean Koontz, and Whitely Streiber. I felt a special affinity for one of his lesser-known books, Cat Magic. Something in it thrilled me.
I was in Grade 12 or 13. I’ll have to review my diaries to confirm, but I remember the major assignment for an English class was to read every book by a specific author and make a summary of their entire work. I chose Whitely because I loved his horror.
I didn’t read Communion when it came out. I remember seeing on book shelves and being intrigued. But it wasn’t until the class project that I read Communion. And even then nothing clicked.
Until about half way through the book. Hearing Whitley’s experiences made me look at some of the strangeness in my life through a different lens. He mentioned seeing owls everywhere or dreaming of owls. I distinctly remember that was a chilling moment for me. I remember thinking; oh my god. I see owls all the time.
Does that mean I’ve been visited too?
The annoying part is looking back now, I can’t remember ever seeing an owl in real life. I scan my memory for Owls” and the only reference picture I have is a few pictures my boyfriend took of owls in his back yard. My mother loved owls. Collected owl figuring. I know that but I can’t “see” those owl figurines in my head. That bugs me. Because I have to have seen an owl at some point in my life. On television. A zoo. I can vaguely remember the mechanical one from Clash of the Titans, but I have a mental barrier around owls now that I can’t ignore.
The real kicker was when Whitley talked about reviewing his old notebooks and diaries. He said he’ found sketches of the visitors he didn’t remember making. The same big eyes, same shaped head. I remember reading this part in class, feeling cold. Because I knew at that moment I’d been sketching them for years. I even gave one of them a name. Kisma.
When I wrote about the visitors in Demons of DunDegore, I named one of them Kisma. I don’t know where the name came from but that is her name. And I knew the figure I drew was female. After school, I raced home and looked at my old journals. And I saw the sketches. I need to find those. I think I still have them.
I have several memories that do not agree with our shared reality. They should be impossible. But they happened. And I didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid no one would believe me. Only crazy people see aliens. Everyone knows aliens aren’t real, so if you’re experiencing it, there must be something wrong with you. It’s not like the government has been lying to us for years. If aliens were real, they would tell us. Right?
After realizing my encounters were consistent with other people’s encounters, I put it in the back of my mind that there was a possibility I was visited when I was younger. But real or not, that time of my life was over. I saw what happened to Whitley when he told other people about his experiences. They laughed at him. Made fun of his trauma. There was no way I was going to do that to myself.
Since I couldn’t talk about my experiences, I wrote about them. I channeled my encounters with high strangeness into writing. In my twenties I focused on building a career. I had several weird encounters that aren’t easy to explain but nothing world shattering. Nothing I couldn’t ignore. Maybe it was bad for other people but aside from the occasional nightmare, my old encounters didn’t’ affect me any more. I could just let it go.
Besides, I’ve read what happens to people who come forward with their encounters. Speaking up could destroy my life. Some believe the reason JFK was assassinated was because he wanted to go public with the existence of aliens. There was no incentive to tell people.
So I stayed silent.
Now, let’s talk about racism.
RACISM
When you look at me, do you see a white man or a black man? The way you see me may impact how you treat me.
My mother was black. My father was white. No one mistook me for a white man until I shaved my head. Now, to some I am racially ambiguous. They don’t know how to classify me. When I walk into a room, I can tell if they are treating me as a black man or a white man.
I’ve always known racism is real. I’ve been turned away from restaurants because they were closed for lunch. Tons of microagressions. But until I worked for the Province of Ontario in Canada, I didn’t believe systemic racism still existed. I believed the government propaganda that programs had been put in place to protect black people.
I believe that until I was harassed at work. In an office with three managers, one was actively engaged in harassment of black staff members. The other two watched. When I discovered that the harassment was aimed at all black people and not just me, I spoke up.
Here is how the Province of Ontario classifies harassment. Keep in mind, this is organization I worked for.
Workplace harassment means:
engaging in a course of vexatious comment or conduct against a worker in a workplace that is known or ought reasonably to be known to be unwelcome or
So what are the employer’s obligations under this law once an allegation has been made?
Duties
To protect a worker from workplace harassment, an employer must ensure
that:
an investigation that is appropriate in the circumstances is conducted into incidents and complaints of workplace harassment
the worker who has allegedly experienced workplace harassment and the alleged harasser, if he or she is a worker of the employer, are informed in writing of the results of the investigation and of any corrective action that has been taken or that will be taken as a result of the investigation
the harassment program is reviewed as often as necessary, but at least annually, to ensure that it adequately implements the policy with respect to workplace harassment
I experienced what I believed to be harassment. I took steps. I spoke with the two other managers. No corrective action was taken. I spoke with the regional manager, Melissa Kersey. She showed remorse that I was experiencing racism but no corrective action was taken. I met with Melissa’s manager (Patty Redmond), emailed the head of the Workplace Harassment board, the head of the civil service, Michelle DiEmmanuelle. I emailed the union for assistance. No one was willing to help me deal with the harassment. I started to realize I was playing a very difference game.
Let’s talk about something life for a moment. Playing games. What is game theory anyway?
GAME THEORY
A game is any activity with a set of rules and strategies for winning. All players know the rules and agree to follow them. Strategies are a way to turn random events to your advantage. If you know the rules and the strategies, you can make predictions on various outcomes and make informed choices about future moves.
For example, chess. Hundreds of books have been written about chess strategy. To play the game, you have to know the rules. You learn the strategies over time. Chess, like drag, is not a contact sport. Normally, the person with the best strategy wins.
I love games. My favourite is a MMO called Elder Scrolls online. My main character is Grandmaster Wisdom, a tank. When I’m not running dungeons, I pay their mini-game Tales of Tribute. But I noticed something this week that makes it less fun to play.
I noticed that it didn’t seem to matter what I did. The decision whether I was going to win or lose was decided before I started playing. The system ensured that each time I drew a card it was “meh” but each time my opponent drew one it was amazing. No matter which cards I chose or how I laid them down, the system had decided I wasn’t going to win. Eventually the “randomness” change and I started winning again. But by then the illusion was gone. I realized it wasn’t my skill advancing me. It was the system. If ESO wanted me to win, I won. If it wanted me to lose, I lost. And my individual actions had no bearing on it.
Now back to racism.
When it appeared that the agency investigating harassment (WDHP) was suppressing reports, I reached as high up as possible. I emailed Michelle DiEmanuelle repeatedly asking for assistance. I told DeEmmanuelle that I had uncovered government officials suppressing evidence and altering reports.. I told them the public had a right to know there was problems within the public service. I wanted it to come from them.
And that’s was the first time they tried to fire me.
So how did they fool me? They took advantage of my disability. I have lived with Long Covid wince January 2021. After the first attempt to fire me failed, they waited until Had a mental health crisis in November 2023. I was forced to watch a video I found offensive while the manager who had been harassing me smiled. This happened on the day I had to put my cat down. Sneakers was going on 20 and he was my best friend.
I snapped. And by “snapped” here’s what I mean.
I sent an email to Patti Redmond’s replacement saying enough is enough.
I asked how many more people were going to be traumatized before something changed. Her response was dismissive. I went to Facebook and complained. I had been talking about racism for months on Facebook. Management and union were aware. I was told my actions would be monitored if I would be told if I said something inappropriate. I was promised that I would not be fired without cause or without warning.
I caught those promises on tape. At the time, I believed them. I can see now I was incredibly naïve, but for that I blame COVID. My brain has not worked the same since. At the time, I was easily confused. They took at advantage of that. I lose my job, my sanity, and quickly lost my house.
The union stopped responding to my emails. Friends from work started ignoring me including my closest work friend, Erin. Erin also happened to be the local president and had seen every piece of evidence about harassment. It was because of Erin’s encouragement that I proceeded with the grievance.
Once the grievance actually started, she stopped returning my texts and phone calls. I haven’t heard from her since December 2022.
Then I reached out to external agencies. I emailed every Member of Provincial Parliament in Ontario. I emailed news agencies, local and national. I reached out specifically to Lisa Gretzky because I campaigned for the NDP in the last election, knocking on doors for Gemma Grey-Hall. I also trusted Lisa because she was the officiant at my wedding. We haven’t spoken since, but I was impressed by her fire and passion. And she does have passion for many causes. Just not the safety of black workers.
I reached out to CBC and AM800. I know a local radio personality. We dated briefly in our youth. I reached out to him. Didn’t get a response for a year.
No news agency would help. No politician would help. And no one inside the company would help. It was almost like no matter what I did, I was going to lose this game.
Because the system decided I wasn’t supposed to win. My only strategy at this point is to stop playing the game. Which is why I’m doing a podcast now instead of spending the next five years in court. It’s important to me that send a warning out. If you have brown skin and work for the province of Ontario, you are not safe. It is not a safe space. If you deal with harassment, leave. Do not report it. Because the system is set up to suppress your report and fire you. I wasn’t the first one. I won’t be the last.
It is sickening that black people in 2022 had to deal with blatant racism. How blatant? She made all the black people sit outside her office.
and wanted to exposure the corruption. But I elived it would be better for the public if the information came from them.
The only corrective action that was taken was an attempt to fire me
The problem for me, is I don’t trust those memories because for the whole world around me told me aliens weren’t real. The world told me if you say aliens you were insane. So I told almost no one about my experiences.
Then in January of 2021, I got sick with COVID. I had nearly every symptom. One of the worst is total mindfuck we’re all calling Brain Fog.
WHAT IS BRAIN FOG
Brain Fog isn’t a medical term. Think of it like short hand for a series of biological experiences that science can not yet full explain.
Is COVID Brain Fog different? Since I’m not a neuroscientist, I can’t answer that question. But I can tell you what it feels like to me.
Delirium. Derealization. Depersonalization. My neuropathways were erased. I had to relearn everything. Reading was physically exhausting. My muscles would not respond to my mind. Walking was nearly impossible. I lost object permanence. Out of sight and it never existed. I forgot how to gargle. I wasn’t blinking properly. Memories from childhood were suddenly super vivid. I could smell them. But I could forget what happened that day.
And I’m stuck with the feeling that human consciousness is not localized. But this body is just a robot housing a portion of my soul. But my soul never fully came back after being so sick. Some days I don’t’ feel real.
Some times I lose sense of place. I can’t tell you what city I am in. Or sense of time. I’ve had a more than a few cases of missing time. But I can’t blame all of that on COVID. It appears I may have a history of blocking out certain parts of my memory.
WHAT IS MENTAL HEALTH?
What makes a person "crazy?" Is that a personal problem or a social problem? Does mental health have a physical basis? And if so, will that make it easier for society to tolerate those with mental illness?
Or maybe mental illness is a warning sign. Maybe we’re not supposed to tolerate it? Maybe when everyone starts losing their mind, it means we need to make a change to society? Maybe that.
Last year I experienced a lot of trauma one after the other. At work I was harassed due to the colour of my skin. When I asked for the harassment to be investigated, reports were suppressed. When I called them on this behaviour, I was fired. Afterwards, I had a mental break down.
But is that because of ME or because of the actions of others.
What if your own mental illness is because of the actions of another person. Or the actions of an entire society.
Women called crazy – history of hysteria
Black people called crazy for wanting not to be slaves
Many are called crazy for reporting encounters.
In each of these cases, a person may be told they are crazy. They may internalize this and BELIEVE they are crazy when in truth they are responding to reality as it exists
So when other people say you’re crazy, how can you tell if their telling the truth? Because maybe they are trying to gaslight you.
EXPERTS VS. NON EXPERTS
I am not an expert in Neuroscience. Although I am a black gay man I would not call myself an expert on systems of oppression. So what I am an expert on? Accounting. Writing but more importantly, Teaching. I’m very good at helping people learn complex and challenging material.
I’m also a bit of an expert on conspiracy theories. Over the last forty years, I’ve read hundreds of hbooks about UFOS, reptilians, Atlantis, and cryptids (strange animals). I’m deeply familiar with the work of David Icke. His work on reptilians inspired me so much I’ve published three books so far featuring reptilians, with more on the way.
Which is why I’m here. Many of you believe some completely utter nonsense that gives a bad name to conspiracy theories. And I can’t blame you. World governments and corporate owned news media have fed us lies and half truths for decades. They lie so often without consequence that we no longer know who to believe.
WAYS TO DETERMINE IF SOMETHING IS REAL.
Science
State the problem. State the problem that you will study as clearly and concisely as possible.
Form the hypothesis. Describe what you think the result of your study will be.
Observe and experiment. Observe or set up an experiment to test your hypothesis. Tally your data.
Interpret data. Once you have collected your data, you must understand what it tells you. The data can be
Interpreted by comparing numbers visually and/or in graphic form.
Draw conclusions. Did your observations and/or experiments support your hypothesis? Was your hypothesis proved or disproved by your study? Did your results show a strong correlation? Were there things that could be changed to make a better experiment? Are there things that need to be studied further?
In science, results and conclusions are repeatable. Meaning anyone who performs the same experiment will come to the same conclusions. If they come to different result or difference conclusion, science says the results are wrong.
Magic
So what is magic? For the Harry Potter fans, it’s the waving of wands and boiling toads. But what do real magic workers do? Aleister Crowley was seen as the most evil man of his time. He is the inspiration behind Belasco, the evil spirit in Legend of Hell House.
So how did Aleister Crowly define magic? “The science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with will.”
Dion Fortune defined magic – the art of changing consciousness at will.
For those who practice magic, it has far more in common with the Power of Positive Thinking, Visualization, and a religious experience than waving of wands. Magic, like science has it’s own rules. Unlike science, magic doesn’t work for everyone. And science cannot yet explain why.
For example, what is the placebo effect? Why does it work when logic says it should not?
Magic in it’s purest form uses the power of believe to harness the placebo effect
Science vs. Pseudoscience.
No matter what I do, because I didn’t go to university for science, some people will believe I’m not qualified to be doing this podcast. No matter how objective I am, I will be accused of pseudoscience because of the topics I’m discussing.
In the article above, the big difference Popper identifies between science and pseudo-science is a difference in attitude. While a pseudo-science is set up to look for evidence that supports its claims, Popper says, a science is set up to challenge its claims and look for evidence that might prove it false. In other words, pseudo-science seeks confirmations and science seeks falsifications.
There is a corresponding difference that Popper sees in the form of the claims made by sciences and pseudo-sciences: Scientific claims are falsifiable -- that is, they are claims where you could set out what observable outcomes would be impossible if the claim were true -- while pseudo-scientific claims fit with any imaginable set of observable outcomes. What this means is that you could do a test that shows a scientific claim to be false, but no conceivable test could show a pseudo-scientific claim to be false. Sciences are testable, pseudo-sciences are not.
I don’t want to believe the conspiracy theory that we are all slaves in a neo feudalistic empire. I don’t want to believe aliens are real and our government has been lying to us.
But the evidence is pretty overwhelming.
How I got hear: I thought I was being harassed at work because of the colour of my skin. I assumed it was incompetence. I learned out the hard way it was not. What happened to me has happened before. And if it’s repeatable, it’s harder to write it off
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